Monday, June 27, 2016


Its been ever so long between week has blurred into another and I find myself on the cusp of school holidays wondering how on earth we've reached the middle of the year already?

Winter is here. Short days meld into long nights. A bitter wind cuts through layers and snow covers the peaks of the Brindabellas. The usual busyness of school term has been peppered with vet visits for sick cats, oncology check ups, weekend family hikes and playing local tourist. 

There have been some heartbreaking weeks lately. 
I said goodbye to two very dear friends, both expected but nonetheless a wrench. 

One forever to cancer...

and the other to an army posting.

Annie's death was something I'd been dreading since Christmas. I'm so grateful she's no longer in pain, but so devastated for her. Leaving her four littles behind was something that tore her apart. I didn't cry the week that she passed, I spent days feeling incredibly tired and numb wondering if the tears would fall at all. Its the awful reality of forming friendships in a cancer support group. There comes a time when it feels almost normal to lose one friend after another to this hideous disease. Words feel hollow and meaningless. They don't change anything, they don't make anything better or easier. Cancer is fucking awful, coming back time and again to hurt, destroy and maim. End of story. The tears did eventually roll, on the day of Annie's funeral. I cried not for myself, but for Annie. For the injustice of yet another young mother taken too soon.

A little while before Annie died my oncologist reminded me that if and when my cancer returned, it would be a case of managing my death, not treating the disease. There was a time when that statement would have frightened me, but not now.  I'm weary of all things cancer. I'm done with treatment. I pushed it to the limit and now I'm done. Everyone has their limit, this is mine and I don't regret my choice. My oncologist wasn't happy with my decision but I'm ok with that. If it does come back I'll never know if it was because of my choice or if it was just inevitable, there is no point in feeling guilty. I'm done with guilt and regret. I'm just done. 

The day after I found out about Annie, I had to say goodbye to my best friend Rach who moved interstate. It's not forever thank goodness, but it was a definite wrench at a time when I really could have done with her company. Timing can really suck sometimes. We're hoping to have a final catch up next week while we're in queensland for school hols. She'll be having surgery soon, (fecking cancer) and once she's recovered they'll be heading overseas for a new posting. I already miss our weekly coffee dates and playdates. She's been such a brilliant friend and I love her to bits. 

Some of the satisfying moments of the past few weeks have come from getting lost in sewing. 
I've been busy with custom orders for Puddleducklane Again, gifts for friends and whipping up some travel bags for our road trip. 

We're all packed and ready to hit the road on Wednesday. Poor husband has to stay behind to work and we're going to miss him terribly, but we're so excited to see my family and friends in Qld. 
It's a mammoth 3000km round trip but we break it up into sizable chunks...stopping off in some lovely country towns on the way up and back and staying in an apartment by the beach for the week that we're on the Sunshine Coast.

My trusty camera is coming along so stay tuned for holiday snaps. I promise not to leave it another six weeks between posts. 

xx Em